“Well,” KM said with a bit of a sneer, “They must get annoyed with you being there and bugging them all the time.”
I responded politely, and continued our joint presentation to the group of parents without missing a beat, yet I crumbled and shrunk inside. Afterward, I hoped for but did not receive an apology. We both acted as if nothing was amiss, and perhaps nothing was for her. I wish I felt that way, but instead I felt a searing pain that caused me to emotionally withdraw from our relationship.
Our friendly interactions continued over the following years, but I was detached. I hated the wall I had built between us, but didn’t initiate a healing conversation. Deep inside I knew the issue was all mine, even as I repeatedly judged her for being rude that day. I knew I had work to do, but wasn’t able to do it.
We slipped out of each other’s lives several years ago, but KM’s comment popped into my mind as I contemplated the Bloggers for Peace Monthly Peace Challenge: Love Thy Enemy. I dismissed the thought of writing about her because she is most definitely not my enemy. However, unresolved pain (based on my fears) remains wedged between us, and I believe pain and/or fear is the core issue between all enemies. I have the sense that this post is an opportunity to finally resolve my pain.
The reason her comment hurt so much is that it touched a nerve that had already been rubbed raw. In our presentation that day, I spoke about advocating for gifted children in public school, and after I detailed the extent of my efforts on behalf of my girls, she made her comment. It wasn’t kind, to be sure, but it wasn’t intentionally malicious. She wouldn’t have guessed that under my self-confident facade was terror of speaking up for my girls; excruciating pain for every time I went to the school and asked for services; and underlying, intertwined fears of people thinking I’m too much and judging me for being selfish.
It’s taken several hours to write and edit this post, but it’s been worth it. I finally, fully feel the truth that had previously only been an intellectual awareness: KM was not my enemy – my fears were.
As that settles into my bones, my pain is vaporizing.
I am grateful I knew the issue was mine, even though I couldn’t work through it at the time. Grateful I advocated for my girls through crushing pain. And extremely grateful my courage has outpaced my fears as I’ve matured.
Thank you Kozo at everyday gurus for your role in helping me move into this shift in perception. After a long day of processing, I am blessed with peace.
For more November Bloggers For Peace posts, please check out:
Breathing Space and Chronicles of a Public Transit User
